Bye 2010, with great amounts of love.

What a year. I’ve never felt so much, seen so much or lived so much as I did this year. 2010 had some highs, nothing really defining though. Moments that gave me temporary happiness. Moments that made me feel like everything might actually turn out fine. That I’d be happy, and that I was blessed. Then there were the moments that broke me. But nevertheless, I have never felt so much in my entire life. I could write lengthy pages on all those emotions that surged through me this whole year - not good feelings, necessarily. I think I’ve always been like that; mixed up and messed up, but I have consciously known it this year. I’ve never felt so exposed, so insecure, so scared. I thought that life was about taking chances, so that was what I aimed to do this year. Some of those chances paid of, being completely rewarding and self-satisfying. Then there were those chances that screwed me over, and left me feeling helpless and ridiculous!

Do I want to change the year I had? Yes, but no. In honest fact, 2010 was a blur, it happened so fast. When I mean fast, I really mean fast. It seems like just last month that I was in Johore matriculation College., taking hayat course and building beautiful friendships with people that appreciated life, that had pure and honest hearts. I made new friends, that taught me, though not through their words but just through their way of life, how to live everyday like it’s your last. Those sweet moment when i did manage to get second place in Anggun Bergaya,Minggu Kemahiran Dinamika. Well,i luv kemahiran dinamika classes..with Mr Param..he's such an inspiring lecturer who makes me reveal my potential in speaking n what things exactly i had my interest in. i do miss him though :)

I fell in love for the first time. Opened up so much, stripping down all those layers that have protected me from feeling the pain from all the backstabbing and judgy thoughts directed towards me. And then I got my heart broken, and I never felt so naked - so exposed, so humiliated, so fooled. I questioned my faith in everything. I questioned my future and the ability for me to trust again, to put myself in the same situation if it ever presented itself again. Leaving me confused, I questioned my existence.

there is in my year was filled with disappointment. The amount of time I spent hating myself, crying to myself alone in my room simply for the fact that I didn’t feel as if I was enough for anyone, doubting myself. It was easier to feel sorry for myself, because pointing out the flaws I had was simple. Thinking about the qualities I actually liked about myself, now that was a struggle. It’s sad, I guess. That’s why I’m so bitter about this year ending and another beginning.

Last few weeks,there was one really bad news that yes succeed to bring me down..i never felt this before..suprisingly,the feelings are much more hurt than an heartbroken when i broke up with my ex-boyfriend..the worst feeling is when your loved one was diagnosed with cancer. The complete feeling of depression and utter helplessness that cancer brings is hard to battle. Realizing that there is nothing you can do for that person except verbal and emotional support.

Ayah..he uplift my spirit when life act cruely towards me,and i cannot imagine,what if he's not there fer me anymore.. :'( Ayah,please get well soon!! or shud i say,Ayah,dun leave me..adik tak mampu kehilangan ayah :'(

I feel like a chapter of my life is closing, but there a million more pages left in my book. Blank pages, waiting to be filled up, with memories that will never fade. Mostly good ones I hope.

I ask you, is there anything that should make me believe that 2011 will be different? Is there anything that will convince me that once the clock strikes 12 tonight, all the pain I felt, all the tears I shed, all the humiliation I’ve dealt with, will all be gone, never to return again? What is the point, really? We will wait anxiously, looking at the clock, waiting for it to hit 12, and then we will celebrate the arrival of a new year, having it in our heads that everything will be better, that we will live life differently with our new set of resolutions. But why? We’re all going to wake up tomorrow morning, still the same person. The only difference really, is the number at the end of the year. People use the new year as an excuse to change, people never change, not fully. A new start; you can have a new start anytime. You could’ve had one last month, or even 6 months ago. You could’ve become a better person, exercised more, contributed to the community more, worked harder, but no, you didn’t. In a way though, it's nice to have a resolution. You know, something you can work towards, but honestly, how many people actually keep up with their resolution? Not many. I bet you, next year in December, there will be a million people complaining about how they didn’t meet the resolutions they made.

So you ask me, what I want for the new year? Nothing big. Nothing materialistic, nothing academic, nothing miraculous. I just want to be happy. If I’m happy, the world will be my oyster (I never really understood that saying till now). If I’m happy, I can do anything I want to do.

Now all I need to know is, how I do be happy?


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