dear 2010 :)

thanks to those who hated me

you made me a stronger person

thanks to those who loved me

you made my heart bigger

thanks to those who envied me

you made my self-esteem grow

thanks to those who cared

you made me feel important

thanks to those who worried

you let me know that you care

THANKS TO THOSE WHO LEFT

YOU SHOWED ME THAT NOT EVERYTHING IS FOREVER

thanks to those who stayed

you showed me the meaning of TRUE FRIEND

thanks to those who entered my life

you made me who I am today

Bye 2010, with great amounts of love.

What a year. I’ve never felt so much, seen so much or lived so much as I did this year. 2010 had some highs, nothing really defining though. Moments that gave me temporary happiness. Moments that made me feel like everything might actually turn out fine. That I’d be happy, and that I was blessed. Then there were the moments that broke me. But nevertheless, I have never felt so much in my entire life. I could write lengthy pages on all those emotions that surged through me this whole year - not good feelings, necessarily. I think I’ve always been like that; mixed up and messed up, but I have consciously known it this year. I’ve never felt so exposed, so insecure, so scared. I thought that life was about taking chances, so that was what I aimed to do this year. Some of those chances paid of, being completely rewarding and self-satisfying. Then there were those chances that screwed me over, and left me feeling helpless and ridiculous!

Do I want to change the year I had? Yes, but no. In honest fact, 2010 was a blur, it happened so fast. When I mean fast, I really mean fast. It seems like just last month that I was in Johore matriculation College., taking hayat course and building beautiful friendships with people that appreciated life, that had pure and honest hearts. I made new friends, that taught me, though not through their words but just through their way of life, how to live everyday like it’s your last. Those sweet moment when i did manage to get second place in Anggun Bergaya,Minggu Kemahiran Dinamika. Well,i luv kemahiran dinamika classes..with Mr Param..he's such an inspiring lecturer who makes me reveal my potential in speaking n what things exactly i had my interest in. i do miss him though :)

I fell in love for the first time. Opened up so much, stripping down all those layers that have protected me from feeling the pain from all the backstabbing and judgy thoughts directed towards me. And then I got my heart broken, and I never felt so naked - so exposed, so humiliated, so fooled. I questioned my faith in everything. I questioned my future and the ability for me to trust again, to put myself in the same situation if it ever presented itself again. Leaving me confused, I questioned my existence.

there is in my year was filled with disappointment. The amount of time I spent hating myself, crying to myself alone in my room simply for the fact that I didn’t feel as if I was enough for anyone, doubting myself. It was easier to feel sorry for myself, because pointing out the flaws I had was simple. Thinking about the qualities I actually liked about myself, now that was a struggle. It’s sad, I guess. That’s why I’m so bitter about this year ending and another beginning.

Last few weeks,there was one really bad news that yes succeed to bring me down..i never felt this before..suprisingly,the feelings are much more hurt than an heartbroken when i broke up with my ex-boyfriend..the worst feeling is when your loved one was diagnosed with cancer. The complete feeling of depression and utter helplessness that cancer brings is hard to battle. Realizing that there is nothing you can do for that person except verbal and emotional support.

Ayah..he uplift my spirit when life act cruely towards me,and i cannot imagine,what if he's not there fer me anymore.. :'( Ayah,please get well soon!! or shud i say,Ayah,dun leave me..adik tak mampu kehilangan ayah :'(

I feel like a chapter of my life is closing, but there a million more pages left in my book. Blank pages, waiting to be filled up, with memories that will never fade. Mostly good ones I hope.

I ask you, is there anything that should make me believe that 2011 will be different? Is there anything that will convince me that once the clock strikes 12 tonight, all the pain I felt, all the tears I shed, all the humiliation I’ve dealt with, will all be gone, never to return again? What is the point, really? We will wait anxiously, looking at the clock, waiting for it to hit 12, and then we will celebrate the arrival of a new year, having it in our heads that everything will be better, that we will live life differently with our new set of resolutions. But why? We’re all going to wake up tomorrow morning, still the same person. The only difference really, is the number at the end of the year. People use the new year as an excuse to change, people never change, not fully. A new start; you can have a new start anytime. You could’ve had one last month, or even 6 months ago. You could’ve become a better person, exercised more, contributed to the community more, worked harder, but no, you didn’t. In a way though, it's nice to have a resolution. You know, something you can work towards, but honestly, how many people actually keep up with their resolution? Not many. I bet you, next year in December, there will be a million people complaining about how they didn’t meet the resolutions they made.

So you ask me, what I want for the new year? Nothing big. Nothing materialistic, nothing academic, nothing miraculous. I just want to be happy. If I’m happy, the world will be my oyster (I never really understood that saying till now). If I’m happy, I can do anything I want to do.

Now all I need to know is, how I do be happy?

25 random things bout Kelly :)

ditag oleh amir..dah lama gak..but quite busy nak buat..so now ada masa b4 balik s.alam,buat la kejap :D

Once you have been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, fact, habits, or goal about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you

25 random things bout KELLY :)

1. my real name is Siti Khalilah Bte Mohamad..but ppl called me kelly since masuk SIGS waktu f4..b4 tu ppl pnggil Khalilah je..orang kenal kelly as KELLY tapi quite bengang gak cuz sometimes ade yang macam, wow kelly?omputeh mane ni?nama sbnr ape?why called kelly? blablabla..then i was like,oh my real name khalilah,make it short panggil je laa kelly..

2. ok,satu perkara yang lelaki perlu tau sebelum mengatur langkah sebelum mengorat kelly, **ceh! kelly seorang yang sgt2 kuat cemburu..once,u were kelly's,you can't maen2 komen with other girls,chatting2 suka2,flirting around..eventho anda menyorokkan cane pon,trust me,I CAN FOUND OUT..and kdg2 tu,kelly sendiri taktwu how in the heck i can found out bout it..it comes naturally kot..hehehe :D sounds psycho rite? kahkahkah..nta ek,bnda ni mmg ada kat kelly..i mean,kelly takkan cemburu kalau kelly tak sayang kat org tu..tapi sekali kelly dah syg,hamek kau..Syarif knows me well..and Alhamdulillah,dia bukan jenis yang menggatal2 with other girls..kalau as kawan,dy mmg awal2 letak border line,mmg terus berKAU-AKU..takde nye ber-I-YOU-SAYA-AWAK..

3.lepas tu kelly sangat2 manja..dgn bf dan bff saya especially.. :)) in case if wanna know anything bout me,mereka la tempat rujukan yang paling sesuai..dpn dorang,kelly 100% jadi diri sendiri..buruk baik kelly,kelly tunjuk kat dorang.. :)

4.kelly sgt suka makan ayam..kalau kat uitm n kmj tu,siyesly kelly tak pernah makan ikan..TAK PERNAH..diulangi..tidak pernah ye..daging & ayam je :D and yes,kelly tak makan sardin,sambal ikan bilis,sambal nasi lemak,kuah satay,asam pedas && tuna..bukan memilih,tapi siyes mmg takleh masuk laa makanna yang di-list tu..nak pegang pun takleh..bau lagi laa..mesti nak termuntah..nanti sikit2 wekkk..wekkk..hehehe :p act,semuanya bermula dgn sardin laa..kecik2 takleh makan sardin..ayah paksa,sumbat dlm mulut..ha kau,sampai sekarang kelly phobia betul dgn bau sardin ni.. (-.-)

5, kelly sgt suka makan pedas!! any pedas yang disebabkan cili api/padi/kampung je laa..&& mesti cili warna hijau..kelly sgt expert masak nasi goreng kampung yang kaw2 pedas and mestilah sedap :) tak caye? leh tnye family kelly la..cuz kelly selalu masak untuk dorang je.. :) nak rasa? boleh2..nanti kelly masakkan ok :D

6. mata kelly sgt tertarik dgn warna pink dan kelabu..sng cakap tu la favourite colour kelly :) tgk background blog ni..pink bukan? :p

7. kelly sgt2 minat biology and sejarah..anything yang membaca laa..dari sekolah dulu,paper2 ni mmg kelly score habes.. :)

8. maths mmg sejujurnya kelly cakap kelly takleh nak minat..so,bila tak minat,i can't score laa..sadly,kelly dpt further study dalam bidang maths pulak..urgh! tgk result sem 1 saya..hancusss...and sekarang,kelly tgh otw nak tukar course..maybe anything related to bio or mass com kot..tak decide lagi..infact,itulah dilema terbesar kelly sekarang ni.. :(

9. tahun yang paling kelly suka ialah tahun kelly kat KOLEJ MATRIKULASI JOHOR. sumpah best..ada Tasha,man,juju n jiebub..a perfect cliques.. :) dis ppl yang menceriakan hari2 kelly kat kmj..and yes practicum yang best,which is prakticum 46 yang roxx :D roomates yang sgt2 lovely.. una,ila,su..sumpah rindu sgt kat dorang! kolej kediaman Al-Khawarizmi mempunyai ajk2 yang havoc gile sprti teha,noor,piqa,piqot,miza dan yg lain2.. :D skandel2 ku..perlu ke sebut nama? hahaha..tak perlu..tasha je yang twu segalanya..yeappp SEGALANYA! :D so if nak twu.tnye dy eh.. :p

10. oh ye..apa yang paling kelly suka dgn KMJ ialah kat situ laa kelly kenal bf kelly.. Muhammad Syarif Hidayatullah :) perkara pertama yang menarik hati kelly ialah,dia gentlemen..dia berani tegur penampilan kelly secara berhikmah walaupun kami baru kenal bape hari je waktu tu..i mean,cara berhikmah tu,dia bukan nak insult kelly sbb tak dpt ushar kelly,bukan nak tegur kelly sbb nak ngorat kelly,bukan nak tegur kelly sbb dy bajet bagos,dia tegur sbb dy twu itu tanggungjawab dy utk menegur kelly ke arah kebaikan. terus kelly jatuh cinta..tinggalkan yang laen ke belakang,,chewah.. :D sbb tu kelly sanggup fight utk dapatkan dy..and yes,melalui syarif jgk kelly sedar yang rupa paras tak penting..agama,hati dan budi pekerti yang harus dipandang..kesetiaan dan kematangan dia jgk yang buat kelly terus stick kat dia..bila kelly sedih,down,dia boleh handle n make me smile again.. :) bukan semua org boleh buat camtue taw..n yes,dy teman menganjing kelly yang paling kamceng :p

11. kelly suka kucing. kucing suka kelly. kami saling suka menyukai. sekian :p

12. kelly suka coklat cadbury.yes yes umm so delicious! :D no other chocolate can beat it! yeah!

13. Queenstown,New Zealand..kelly nak honeymoon kat situ! wek! :p

14. kelly suka sgt2 mandi pantai..suka sgt2!! jalan2 tepi pantai pon suka..hati tenang sgt2.. :)

15. dalam hidup kelly tak pernah bosan. i will do like anything as long as tak bosan..ape2 je laa..kalau tak on9,tgk tv..kalu tgk tgk tv,tgk movie..kalu tak tgk movie bace novel,kalau tak baca novel,maen dgn adik. but,most of the time,main msg dgn Syarif laa..mmg tak bosan pnye.. :D

16. kelly suka tgk cerita One Tree Hill, Grey's Anatomy, The Kardashians, && Royal Pain

17. kelly sgt syg handphone yang sekarang ni..bnyk sgt kenangan manis dgn handphone ni :)

18. satu2nya game yang buat kelly addicted gile ialah game THE SIM..mmg kemaruk habes laa kelly..siang malam berjaga maen benda ni.. =.=

19.kelly sgt suka lagu2 yang berversi acoustic..antara kumpulan yang selalu buat acoustic yang kelly tgh gilakan skrg ialah kumpulan Boyce Avenue..kelly mmg cair habes laa dgn suara husky vocalist dy tu :)

20. kelly sgt kuat merajok..betul...tak caye tanye Tasha..kan tasha kan :p takpun tanye Syarif... :D mereka berdua ni je yang kelly rasa boleh tahan dgn perangai buruk kelly tu..boleh tahan kan Tasha kannn :p

21. kelly cpt touching doe..hahaha..kalau tgk hindustan tu,berderai je air mata kan..

22. kelly sgt mengagumi kecantikan seorang wanita..seperti Kareena Kapoor,Katrina Kaif,Juliana Evans,Anne Hathaway..ya Allah..mereka sgt cantik ok..

23. kelly pelik sgt..asal pergi mane2 je mesti orang kan cakap, "eh muka kelly macam akak kite la," "eh muka kelly macam kawan kite laa" "eh,muka kelly macam makcik kite laa" "eh muka kelly macam marshanda laa"ops!hehehe.. "eh,muka kelly mcm ex-gf saya laa.." and macam2 lagi..senang cite,muka kelly mmg familiar laa kat mane2..

24. kelly suka tidur dgn banyak bantal..lagi banyak lagi bagos :D

25. ok,last one peepss..kelly suka bunga carnations (yg kelly pgg kat gambar tu) && baby breath..kalau agak2 ada sape2 nak bagi kelly bunga,cari laa eh bunga2 ni..hahahaha :p

ok actually,seharian buat benda ni..diselang-selikan dgn facebook,youtube and makan :D ok now kena tag 25 org ye..err,,sape rajin,buat laa..hehe :))

someday, this pain will be useful to you. :)

believe it or not, there’s a strange beauty in pain; that beauty being strength and courage. although you may feel completely and entirely defeated, totally helpless, and utterly defenseless when you’re at rock bottom, once you slowly regain your self awareness, you’ll find strength and courage to rise above what brought you so down. your strength will come from facing your burden, and your courage will come from knowing why you felt the way you did and why you no longer need to feel that way. although experience will bring you pain and suffering, it will also pass - in turn, bringing you strength, courage, and furthermore happiness.

Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.

orang tamak selalu rugi

yess..so true..mungkin bukan rugi sekarang,tapi suatu hari nanti mungkin? malam tadi,ada satu insiden yang mengguris hati saya..tiba-tiba mata saya terbuka. kenapa perlu menghalang orang lain untuk turut bahagia? walaupun bukan dengan kita? malam tadi juga,mata saya terbuka,dan saya nampak,sayalah orang yang tamak tu..sangat mementingkan diri sendiri..saya malu dgn diri sendiri..saya tak mampu untuk terus menipu orang sekeliling dan juga si dia..tapi kalau saya berterus-terang,dapatkah hati saya kuat untuk menerima kesannya nanti? mampukah saya melihat orang yang saya sayang sakit? things are too complicated now..and yes i can't wait to sleepover at Perwira n berada di sisi my BFF..i hope she can help me out from these dilemma :(

I've done more harm by the falseness of trying to please than by the honesty of trying to hurt~

live in the present,and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering.. :)

ok movie ni berjaya buat aku nanges walaupun dah beberapa kali tengok -.-

sedihhh~ seriously sedih.. T-T

and seriously aku dapat hayati movie ni as macam aku berada kat tempat dorang..

moral yang dapat dari movie ni ialah,

hargailah pasangan anda..

anda tidak akan dapat mengagak sesuatu yang tidak disangka seperti penyakit Alzheimer boleh memisahkan anda dgn pasangan..

aite?

:)

last but not least,

hayatilah quote ini,

Do not look back and grieve over the past,fer it is gone. and do not be troubled about the future,fer it has yet to come. live in the present,and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering.

When the world says, "Give up," hope whispers, "Try it one more time."

ever feel that there's something stuck in your chest?

as your heart is literally breaking

you see your friend,your family

and you feel so alone

you wonder if anyone else knows what you're feeling

is this you?

look i can't tell you that everything is

going to be okay. bcoz maybe its not

but i can tell you

that i feel the same way

everyday is a struggle

just breathe and hope fer a F miracle!